IMHO

Just Not That Into You

After all's been said and done, and despite the fact that I very quickly fell out of faithfully following the series' progress, my favorite Sex and the City character is Miranda. The lawyer, the best friend, the multi-tasking single mom, the relationship doofus (they all are, but she's probably the worst one of the lot). I used to think that I could relate more to Charlotte, but who the heck was I kidding? Carrie and I shared the same occupation (except that I don't think I ever wrote a column about sex or had my face splashed all over the side of a bus) but have wildly divergent tastes in clothes and men, so I never did quite empathize with her. And Samantha - let's not even talk about Samantha.

But Miranda. My heart went out to her, especially after a recent DVD marathon of Season Six - the one where Carrie goes out with Baryshnikov, Charlotte marries her hirsute Jewish lawyer (who suspiciously looks a lot like Robbie Guevara! Sorry dude, but he does), and Samantha starts to date a very much younger waiter/actor while giving him an image makeover. And Miranda, the commitment-phobe who refuses to let her relationship guard down, starts seeing Blair Underwood while still carrying a torch for good old Steve. I think "The One" episode did it for me - Brady turned one, and Miranda and Steve finally and suddenly came to realization who "The One" was in each other's lives, which of course made me all When-Harry-Met-Sally-ending weepy...

Anyway, Miranda's most famous scene is probably the one where she comes to the lightning-bolt liberating realization that "he's just not that into you." That scene was so memorable that it spurred a best-selling book by a male SATC consultant who abruptly put an end to his women friends' chronic habit of speculation and assumption by putting them straight and telling them, "he's just not that into you." So get over it already.

And of course, I read Greg Behrendt's book (in one sitting) and had a dozen lightbulb moments while at it, mainly because it begins with a premise that I recognize as my own "doctrine of the assumption," embraced after many years of lessons learned: when in doubt, always assume the worst. I.e., that he's just not that into you. It makes life so much simpler, although the "propensity for density" can sometimes end up biting you in the a$$. I think that many, many women I know who, like me in a former life, analyze and deconstruct and speculate about everything a guy says or does (or doesn't say or do) could benefit from this book - just now I remember a friend of mine, who, after having been told in no uncertain terms to stay the heck away by another (guy) friend of mine and object of her affections, took it as a positive sign...because "he talked to me! So deep down, he really, really cares!" Psycho.

He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.
Greg tells us to ditch all those excuses - that he doesn't want to "ruin" the friendship, that he's intimidated by you (pffft), that he forgot to remember to ask you out, that he wants to take it slow...“Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.” I know it’s an infuriating concept—that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he’s just not that into you.
And thus:
- An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of “ruining the friendship.”
- Don’t get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he’ll do the asking.
- If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
- Just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.
- “Hey, let’s meet at so-and-so’s party/any bar/friend’s house” is not a date. Even if you live in New York.
- Men don’t forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
- You are good enough to be asked out.

He's just not that into you if he's not calling you.
- If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind.
- If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.
- Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do.
- If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs.
- “Busy” is another word for “a$$hole.” “A$$hole” is another word for the guy you’re dating.
- You deserve a f*bleep*g phone call.

He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you. “Hanging out” is not dating.
- Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship” truly means “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you” or “I’m not sure that you’re the one.” (Sorry.)
- Better than nothing is not good enough for you!
- If you don’t know where the relationship is going, it’s okay to pull over and ask.
- Murky? Not good.
- There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he’s your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

And so on and so forth. Many of the other "signs" are a little too SATC-liberated for practical application, but Greg's made his point. I think I should ask for another male's point of view on the topic - gentlemen, what say you?

posted by Honey Oliveros @ 12:27 AM