IMHO

Return of the Comeback

I was surfing the Net when I came across an archive of some of my old Philippine Star columns - the last few articles, in particular, before my writing partner and I officially "fell out" - not of love, as some people are wont to believe (triple yuck!), but out of each other's favor. Good thing we got too old to continue writing for the Young Star, and thus our writing tandem just "faded away" discreetly (better than mutual homicide). But, anyway. Here's the very very last article I ever wrote for the Star, via the old Court of Last Retort column. Was fun while it lasted, but we all need to move on sometime (thank God) :-)

Backgrounder: I wrote this when I was hibernating in Chicago, right after my Sorbonne expedition (Ney was a "resource person" via instant messenger and voice chat). My world was falling apart at the seams, but, looking back, I wouldn't have gotten to "where I am" without the turmoil I was going through what I did. I thank God for the storms that show us what and Who really matter in our lives. And for giving me a sense of humor that never quite abandoned me even in the toughest of times!

GQ

(Chicago, IL) Chivalry is not dead; neither is it just a brand of preserved squid. It may be moribund, given the actuations of some 21st century Neanderthals, but there are still some remnants of the old school of good manners and proper gentlemanly conduct that have kept alive my flagging faith in the male species. This, my friends, is an ode to those men who defy all standards of modern macho indifference and who have staunchly insisted on observing behavior that is both gentle and genteel.

I grew up in an environment where gender equality was the norm. My family has for generations encouraged excellence in whatever field its female members decided to pursue, even if it meant breaking traditional expectations of staying home barefoot and pregnant. The school I went to didn’t give a flying funicular about your sex, sexuality, or sexual preference. The career I chose required boozing with the boys, busting balls, and basically being a bad-assed bastard. But while I consider myself a full-fledged feminist (or perhaps because I am one), I’m still a sucker for being treated like a lady instead of a gender-less coequal. My best guy friend Ney, who has volunteered himself as a resource person on the topic, explains the reason behind this is that chivalry makes a woman feel more like, well, a woman, and “no matter how independent or contemporary a girl may be, she’ll always enjoy being treated like a fragile, delicate, treasured thing.” While I don’t quite approve of the comparison to bone china or petrified butterflies, I can understand where he’s coming from.

And I’m not alone in this sentiment. Major pogi points are awarded to any guy who insists on opening doors, standing up when a woman arrives or leaves, and taking extra care of any member of the female persuasion, whether he’s interested in her or not. Girls will swoon about a man’s good breeding and impeccable decorum, even if they make the mandatory protestations to the contrary. It gets to the point when you actually count on certain behavior from men – like walking on the dangerous side of the street, pulling out chairs, or carrying your shopping bags --- and there’s always a tiny bit of disappointment (as well as a major drop in market value) when they fall short of expectations. But then again, according to Ney, “I enjoy being a gentleman to women who don’t demand it from me.”

Pinoy men are, for the most part, spoiled brats who think themselves the center of the universe and are therefore not exactly poster boys for chivalrous behavior. This makes the rare Filipino gentleman all the more esteemed, with thanks due to his mother who actually taught him good manners instead of tolerating uncouth conduct. Our resource person says that gentlemanliness is less about being polite than showing genuine respect towards the opposite sex, and that this behavior is acquired over years of being sensitive to women’s needs, starting from immediate female members of a man’s family. The scarcity of this breed of well-mannered males has in turn spawned a generation of Filipina women who wouldn’t recognize a refined gesture if it hit them over the head. I should know; there was once a time when I kept on scooting up and down the back seat while my date played patintero with the car doors trying to figure out why the heck I didn’t stay where he’d seated me.

The Europeans have a thing or two to teach most other men (or women, for that matter!) about gentility. I had dinner recently with two perfect gentlemen from Denmark and Austria: they poured the Kir, savored their salads, gently criticized their entrees, and engaged in light, dining-friendly banter while all the time closely attending to their female companions…and both of them were barely out of their teens! I honestly expected them to get up and start waltzing after the meal. Americans, despite being given a bad rap, aren’t so bad either. There has always been some nice man to help me get my carry-on in and out of the overhead compartment (which I can never manage to do due to er, vertical limitations), and one of the guys I went to school with refused to let me walk to the Metro in Paris by myself at night, no matter how much I indignantly threatened him with bodily harm. These are the little gestures that stand out because they’ve become so uncommon, which is sort of strange because they’re very simple acts that require hardly any effort but produce spectacularly appreciative results.

And so, with the end in view of reviving the comatose art of gentlemanly behavior, here’s a little list of doable items that will hopefully promote proper courtly conduct and earn you those much needed pogi points in the process. But one last piece of advice from the gallant Sir Ney of the computer table: consistency is always the key. If you act the gentleman only to impress or if you’re selective in treating certain women in a special way, you’ll be eventually be exposed as a second-hand, trying hard copycat who will immediately revert to boorish ways once you get what you want.

1. Open the door, open her heart. It’s the most basic gesture that many modern men have unfortunately failed to observe. Don’t rush ahead and let the door slam in her face; instead, unobtrusively pull/push the portal open and step aside, letting her go through first. The same applies with car doors…make sure she’s safely in the vehicle and buckled up before zooming off and leaving her eating your dust. An optional action is opening the door to let her out, but by the time you jump out into traffic to get to the other side she might already be halfway into the mall.

2. Get up, stand up. This may be a little unusual, not to mention a tad unwieldly, but it’s endearing to witness the few men who actually stand up upon a lady’s arrival and departure. However, this is the one rule that requires selective application: it does not require bobbing up and down on your chair every time a waitress approaches the table, and may be waived in case one of the women in your company should unfortunately suffer from incontinence.

3. Walk the extra mile. Once upon a time, a friend and I tried to teach (insert ex-writing partner's name here) the art of escorting a woman to her car at the end of the night, a gentlemanly practice that is not only polite but extremely considerate. No matter what they say, women will always appreciate the fact that you make sure they get home safe and sound, unmolested by fly-by-night traffic enforcers out to make a quick buck, kidnap-for-ransom gangs, or (ex-writing partner).

4. Carrying the burden. Now this a girl could get used to…men who will not only actually shop with you, but who will take every little bag off your hands so you’re free to scrounge about for more finds. I have male friends who insist on burdening themselves with all the packages I manage to accumulate over a whole day of shopping; one guy even insisted on carrying my hand bag while I went through the racks. Hmmm, but now that I think of it, my purse did match his shoes.

5. Nice guys always finish first. Gentlemanly conduct, at bottom, is basically a manifestation of decent human behavior. No amount of door-opening or chair-pulling can compensate for an inconsiderate, churlish personality…a true gentleman is one who is chivalrous inside and out. Thank goodness for these rare specimens like Sir Ney who continue to fight the good fight and keep looking out for damsels not necessarily in distress…may their tribe increase and prosper!

23 August 2002

posted by Honey Oliveros @ 8:30 PM